My Story: Only Jesus

My story is nothing special. I haven’t had a major “Ah ha” moment. But I have been forever changed. Jesus has shown me many many MANY times that He is always there. I have had a couple of moments where it’s like He is saying to me, “DUH! I am here and I listen to you!” I am a firm believer that the beginning is always the best place to start.

     I have always been raised in a Christian home. At the age of six or seven I was saved. I don’t remember the exact date, but I believe that you don’t always have to. I was in my room with my parents, sitting on my bed and they were on either side of me. We talked about it and I prayed. You might think that is the end of my story, but you see I’m not still six or seven, am I? Nope. Then my parents decided that homeschooling was going to be our family’s method of education. I’m going to stop you stereo-typical people right there! No, we didn’t sit on the couch and watch tv! Yes, we did our schoolwork in our pajamas some days! ;) Anyway, back to my story. My mom found this older lady, Mrs. Pafford, who was a tutor, and she taught me for a year. After that year, I went back home to be with my mom. I did my school work in my room, and yes, it probably wasn’t the best idea to leave a fourth grader in her room by herself to do her school. ;) Anyway, all this time while I was saved, I wasn’t living for God, wasn’t listening to His guiding, wasn’t reading my Bible. God finally got my attention in 2008. I remember that day exactly. It was September 11. I was sitting on my mom’s dresser asking her a question. She and my youngest sister were laying on her bed about to rest. The windows were open and a breeze was coming through. *Sidenote, the reason I am putting these details in is for my benefit as well as yours. I am pointing out that I remember EVERYTHING. Back to that day. My mom got a call from my dad. He was coming home from work early that day. He walked into the room, sobbing. His brother had gotten in a fatal single-car accident. Jesus was ready for him to come Home. That is only the second time I have ever seen him cry. We went over to my Grandma and Papa’s house. It broke me because all I could think was “I was his first niece.”  It killed me to remember that while he was a rough looking man, you know the type: facial hair, rough mannerisms; he was the sweetest “teddy bear”. I was the only one out of a total of 7 grandchildren who run into his arms. In the days leading up to his funeral, those two things are the only things that ran through my mind. After that, I started reading my Bible and it was like God finally had my attention. If you have not met me, or don’t know me, I’m going to let you in on a little secret. I’m not perfect! I am stubborn and I don’t listen! God knows this, and He also knew that I wasn’t going to stick with it. After a couple of months, I was over it like it was a fad. Let me interject something in here really quick. God is TIMELESS. He never goes “out of style”. His love for you knows no boundaries.

On to the next chapter. Life went on. But then my family got hit for the second time on April 30^th, this time on my mom’s side. My uncle was killed. Not in a violent way, and I will not go into details because it is not about that. This is about me and my journey to Love Himself. I was completely in shock that day. I can remember the details of that day as well. I woke up and my dad said “Mom’s not here. She went to your aunt’s house. She will be back in time to take you.” As we had testing that day, I ate breakfast, got dressed, and got my stuff together. On the way there, she told me and my sister a little bit more about what happened. The whole time during the test, my chest felt constricted like I couldn’t get enough breath. Afterwards, the guy sitting in front of me turned around and said “Was that you breathing so heavily?”. Yes, yes that was me. I can remember every single detail of the day of the funeral. After that I got in the Word again, but like last time, it wouldn’t stick forever.

Just this past year, I've had a few what I like to call "God Moments". You know those moments where only God could have set things up so perfectly. These are not profund by any means but I know that God was speaking to me. The first one was after a particularly bad time, and I was cleaning the kitchen and listening to the radio. I don't remember what song came on but it was EXACTLY what I needed to hear! The next three songs were the same way! I firmly believe that God uses sings to speak to me sometimes. The next one was when I was hating on my body, the way I do sometimes. Girls, can you identify? ANyway, I was listening to the radio again. "Beautiful" by MercyMe came on. If you haven't heard that, or even looked up the lyrics, I fully encourage you! Well after it went off the radio, commercials came on. I went and turned on the Christian music channel on the tv, and SHOCKER! The same exact s ong was playing on there! It was as if God was telling me "I made you JUST theway you are! Why do you want to change to look like the models who are airbrushed and starve themselves?" Well let me tell you, that was a wakeup call! Who wants to mess up what God Himsekdf created?! He tells in Psalms that we are fearfully and wonderfully made! If you are breathing, which I sincererly hope you are since you are reading my heart, then God Himself fashioned every single part of you! The God of the UNIVERSE is that immersed in everything you do, who you are, and who you will become! That gives me chills. He knows how many hairs are on your head! He is totally invested in your life. Who doesn't want that kind of Love to be present in their lives all the time, watching out for you? Yes, bad things will happen but He has your back. Can you think of a better "teammate", for a lack of better terms? I do believe that Abraham Lincoln had the right idea when he said "Sir, my greatest concern is not whether God is on our side; my greatest concern is to be on God's side for God is always right."

     Through this time, I was getting interested in guys. I was making mistakes. I was lying about stupid stuff, not the guys. In general, I wasn’t a bad person just not a good one either. One summer, I made many mistakes. Let me tell you girls, getting interested in guys at 11-19 is stupid. You may think you can handle a relationship but I am here to tell you that you can’t! At this age, you should be focused on God and doing His work. I read a lot of books, and one that was AMAZING was “Before You Meet Prince Charming” by Sarah Mally. One of the things I have struggled with and still do is the fear of “being alone”. Which, is really silly consider Jesus kind of lives in my heart! At one point in the book Sarah writes, “However, I am concerned to see many of these young ladies seem to have the idea that the first young man who comes along must be the one. Just because a young man approaches your father in a ‘right’ way doesn’t make him the right one. He may say that he’s 100% percent sure that you are the right one for him, but you must have peace and be sure in your own mind and heart. Do not respond out of fear that there may not be another. And don’t be too easy to catch!” I have only had two guys, so far, be seriously interested. And I have “courted”, which my family believes in. And trust me! I feel sooooo much better knowing that I have not gone around and dated a million guys and gave each of them a tiny piece of my heart! I mean who, of any of us, guy or girl, wants a mangle heart that has had to be duct taped together and looks like a vase that has been broken and pieced together more than twice? Not me that is for certain! In another book, “I Kissed Dating Goodbye”, by Joshua Harris, he writes about a girl who emails him about a dream she had. In her dream, she is walking down the aisle to marry the man of her dreams. Standing behind him, she notices a line of women, and being a woman herself, asks who the heck they are. His reply? All the girls he has ever kissed, dated, held hands with, etc. My question to you is how many would you have, or would you want to have? Trust me, I have asked myself these questions first. I am not here to criticize any of you. I would never ask you something that I have not asked myself first. I know my answer! I would not want anyone behind me! I will let you in on another secret. I have never kissed anyone. At 18, it’s pretty rare huh? Well I am proud of that fact, and the other fact that I have decided to save it for my wedding day. Cheesy, maybe. But guess what. I DON’T CARE! I’m doing it for my future husband. I know for a fact that he will appreciate being my “first” everything. If you have already given away everything, don’t worry. My God can make us white again. All you have to do is ask.

     As a girl, I know how girls work. We are very insecure about being “alone”. If you feel this way, just remember: first of all, Jesus as ALWAYS there! And second, I am here for you also. I have been through a lot and what I haven’t been through I can pray for you. All you have to do is ask! J I still struggle with feelings of aloneness. While God is enough, He created us to need tangible people in our lives. I know I need to feel my parents, or someone I love, arms around me every once in a while. I'm sorry that this post is so long, but I felt the need to tell my story. I love you all and if you need prayer, just ask! Hannah<3