Conviction

     “When he comes, he will convict the world of guilt in regard to sin and righteousness and judgment: in regard to sin, because men do not believe in Me;  in regard to righteousness, because I and going to the Father, where you can see me no longer; in regard to judgment, because the prince of this world now stands condemned.”

     John 16:8-11. Have you ever felt that teensy, tiny nudge at the back of your mind telling you *not* to do something bad, or pushing you to do something good? If yes, then let me ask you another question: have you ignored it? If you said yes again, never fear. This girl has too! And many other Christians I’m sure. But as you and I know, soon that tiny nudge gets stronger until it feels like a full contact football tackle. That verse up there is talking about the Holy Spirit, the third person of the Trinity. Jesus said that He would send the Holy Spirit to convict the world of guilt. Just imagine with me for a second a world without the Holy Spirit. No one would get saved because Christians wouldn’t be convicted of stealing a cookie (yes, this has happened, by the way….), saying something malicious about another church member (this has happened as well…), or even criticizing the way some churches ran themselves (GEEZ y’all! Yes, this has happened too!).  But guess what: I have amazing news! When Jesus left, He sent the Holy Spirit to convict us so that we may be set apart from the world, and make the world wonder what we have! Now when we are convicted and repent, the world is sitting back scratching their chins wondering why we are so happy. They also look and see how we react during a tragedy. Are we leaning on God for His understanding or are we drawn away by bitterness. “You have two choices during a trial: you can become better or bitter.” Are you going to become better or bitter? I prefer better because I’ve been in the “bitter” category for years! It is not an attractive thing for a 13, 14, 15, 16 year old girl to be soo bitter! And do you know what I’ve started noticing? My sisters, ages 6 and 9, have started to become very cynical. And do you know where they learned it? This chick right here! It kills me to think that I helped create them that way. I’m going to clue you in on a little something right here: people are watching you, whether you realize it or not! Especially if they know you are a Christian, they will be watching, some holding their breath until you mess up. Which let’s all face it, happens daily. But fear not! God has promised to forgive usJ; which brings great comfort to this heart! Here are some of His promises:

“Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven- for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little. Then Jesus said to her, ‘Your sins are *forgiven*.”

     Did you catch that? The woman loved more because she was forgiven more, but God loves each of us the same. Doesn’t it make sense that the person who was forgiven more, is more grateful? Jesus loves each of us regardless of how much God has forgiven us. He loves us because we are God’s creation. I mean He died for you. If that doesn’t say “I love you” then I don’t know what does. We’ve all been in that position when you ignore the Holy Spirit; and while you may have asked for forgiveness for the sin, you might not have asked forgiveness for ignore the Holy Spirit. I was convicted of that this morning. I’ll be honest with you and tell you that I have ignored that little nudge more than should be allowed. I bet we have all been in that position. God has shown me that, very recently.  

My Story: Only Jesus

My story is nothing special. I haven’t had a major “Ah ha” moment. But I have been forever changed. Jesus has shown me many many MANY times that He is always there. I have had a couple of moments where it’s like He is saying to me, “DUH! I am here and I listen to you!” I am a firm believer that the beginning is always the best place to start.

     I have always been raised in a Christian home. At the age of six or seven I was saved. I don’t remember the exact date, but I believe that you don’t always have to. I was in my room with my parents, sitting on my bed and they were on either side of me. We talked about it and I prayed. You might think that is the end of my story, but you see I’m not still six or seven, am I? Nope. Then my parents decided that homeschooling was going to be our family’s method of education. I’m going to stop you stereo-typical people right there! No, we didn’t sit on the couch and watch tv! Yes, we did our schoolwork in our pajamas some days! ;) Anyway, back to my story. My mom found this older lady, Mrs. Pafford, who was a tutor, and she taught me for a year. After that year, I went back home to be with my mom. I did my school work in my room, and yes, it probably wasn’t the best idea to leave a fourth grader in her room by herself to do her school. ;) Anyway, all this time while I was saved, I wasn’t living for God, wasn’t listening to His guiding, wasn’t reading my Bible. God finally got my attention in 2008. I remember that day exactly. It was September 11. I was sitting on my mom’s dresser asking her a question. She and my youngest sister were laying on her bed about to rest. The windows were open and a breeze was coming through. *Sidenote, the reason I am putting these details in is for my benefit as well as yours. I am pointing out that I remember EVERYTHING. Back to that day. My mom got a call from my dad. He was coming home from work early that day. He walked into the room, sobbing. His brother had gotten in a fatal single-car accident. Jesus was ready for him to come Home. That is only the second time I have ever seen him cry. We went over to my Grandma and Papa’s house. It broke me because all I could think was “I was his first niece.”  It killed me to remember that while he was a rough looking man, you know the type: facial hair, rough mannerisms; he was the sweetest “teddy bear”. I was the only one out of a total of 7 grandchildren who run into his arms. In the days leading up to his funeral, those two things are the only things that ran through my mind. After that, I started reading my Bible and it was like God finally had my attention. If you have not met me, or don’t know me, I’m going to let you in on a little secret. I’m not perfect! I am stubborn and I don’t listen! God knows this, and He also knew that I wasn’t going to stick with it. After a couple of months, I was over it like it was a fad. Let me interject something in here really quick. God is TIMELESS. He never goes “out of style”. His love for you knows no boundaries.

On to the next chapter. Life went on. But then my family got hit for the second time on April 30^th, this time on my mom’s side. My uncle was killed. Not in a violent way, and I will not go into details because it is not about that. This is about me and my journey to Love Himself. I was completely in shock that day. I can remember the details of that day as well. I woke up and my dad said “Mom’s not here. She went to your aunt’s house. She will be back in time to take you.” As we had testing that day, I ate breakfast, got dressed, and got my stuff together. On the way there, she told me and my sister a little bit more about what happened. The whole time during the test, my chest felt constricted like I couldn’t get enough breath. Afterwards, the guy sitting in front of me turned around and said “Was that you breathing so heavily?”. Yes, yes that was me. I can remember every single detail of the day of the funeral. After that I got in the Word again, but like last time, it wouldn’t stick forever.

Just this past year, I've had a few what I like to call "God Moments". You know those moments where only God could have set things up so perfectly. These are not profund by any means but I know that God was speaking to me. The first one was after a particularly bad time, and I was cleaning the kitchen and listening to the radio. I don't remember what song came on but it was EXACTLY what I needed to hear! The next three songs were the same way! I firmly believe that God uses sings to speak to me sometimes. The next one was when I was hating on my body, the way I do sometimes. Girls, can you identify? ANyway, I was listening to the radio again. "Beautiful" by MercyMe came on. If you haven't heard that, or even looked up the lyrics, I fully encourage you! Well after it went off the radio, commercials came on. I went and turned on the Christian music channel on the tv, and SHOCKER! The same exact s ong was playing on there! It was as if God was telling me "I made you JUST theway you are! Why do you want to change to look like the models who are airbrushed and starve themselves?" Well let me tell you, that was a wakeup call! Who wants to mess up what God Himsekdf created?! He tells in Psalms that we are fearfully and wonderfully made! If you are breathing, which I sincererly hope you are since you are reading my heart, then God Himself fashioned every single part of you! The God of the UNIVERSE is that immersed in everything you do, who you are, and who you will become! That gives me chills. He knows how many hairs are on your head! He is totally invested in your life. Who doesn't want that kind of Love to be present in their lives all the time, watching out for you? Yes, bad things will happen but He has your back. Can you think of a better "teammate", for a lack of better terms? I do believe that Abraham Lincoln had the right idea when he said "Sir, my greatest concern is not whether God is on our side; my greatest concern is to be on God's side for God is always right."

     Through this time, I was getting interested in guys. I was making mistakes. I was lying about stupid stuff, not the guys. In general, I wasn’t a bad person just not a good one either. One summer, I made many mistakes. Let me tell you girls, getting interested in guys at 11-19 is stupid. You may think you can handle a relationship but I am here to tell you that you can’t! At this age, you should be focused on God and doing His work. I read a lot of books, and one that was AMAZING was “Before You Meet Prince Charming” by Sarah Mally. One of the things I have struggled with and still do is the fear of “being alone”. Which, is really silly consider Jesus kind of lives in my heart! At one point in the book Sarah writes, “However, I am concerned to see many of these young ladies seem to have the idea that the first young man who comes along must be the one. Just because a young man approaches your father in a ‘right’ way doesn’t make him the right one. He may say that he’s 100% percent sure that you are the right one for him, but you must have peace and be sure in your own mind and heart. Do not respond out of fear that there may not be another. And don’t be too easy to catch!” I have only had two guys, so far, be seriously interested. And I have “courted”, which my family believes in. And trust me! I feel sooooo much better knowing that I have not gone around and dated a million guys and gave each of them a tiny piece of my heart! I mean who, of any of us, guy or girl, wants a mangle heart that has had to be duct taped together and looks like a vase that has been broken and pieced together more than twice? Not me that is for certain! In another book, “I Kissed Dating Goodbye”, by Joshua Harris, he writes about a girl who emails him about a dream she had. In her dream, she is walking down the aisle to marry the man of her dreams. Standing behind him, she notices a line of women, and being a woman herself, asks who the heck they are. His reply? All the girls he has ever kissed, dated, held hands with, etc. My question to you is how many would you have, or would you want to have? Trust me, I have asked myself these questions first. I am not here to criticize any of you. I would never ask you something that I have not asked myself first. I know my answer! I would not want anyone behind me! I will let you in on another secret. I have never kissed anyone. At 18, it’s pretty rare huh? Well I am proud of that fact, and the other fact that I have decided to save it for my wedding day. Cheesy, maybe. But guess what. I DON’T CARE! I’m doing it for my future husband. I know for a fact that he will appreciate being my “first” everything. If you have already given away everything, don’t worry. My God can make us white again. All you have to do is ask.

     As a girl, I know how girls work. We are very insecure about being “alone”. If you feel this way, just remember: first of all, Jesus as ALWAYS there! And second, I am here for you also. I have been through a lot and what I haven’t been through I can pray for you. All you have to do is ask! J I still struggle with feelings of aloneness. While God is enough, He created us to need tangible people in our lives. I know I need to feel my parents, or someone I love, arms around me every once in a while. I'm sorry that this post is so long, but I felt the need to tell my story. I love you all and if you need prayer, just ask! Hannah<3

The Crazy Kid Lady

Ok so we've all heard about the crazy cat lady right? Well after tonight I've decided that I'm going to be that way with kids. 127 kids, one house..... Bring it on! But that is just who I am. I want to rescue all the kids from the streets, from poverty, from abusive homes, from everything bad in this world. But guess what.... I can't! I am one person! And as a "Type A" that just tears me apart. I am definitely a "fixer" and I can't fix this. But.... I can help one child by hugging them, talking to them, or even just smiling. I am only 18, never had a boyfriend, don't have any prospects right now, but I do know one thing. I am going to adopt one day. I'm sure you are probably wondering what I did tonight. I served hungry people, mostly kids, in my community. Some were missing legs, some weren't all there mentally, some didn't have shoes. But before any of them ate, there was a small service, seeing as it was in a church. They got to hear about a God who loves them with an unconditional love, which ironically was part of the message. Isn't it amazing that some of the poorest people are the happiest? Tonight the man said something that has suck with me. He said, "My skin may be white and yours may be black, but that won't matter in heaven". Heaven doesn't know race, color, language, or any other boundary we, as people, have put into place. God's love extends to ALL people. That amazes me sometimes when I see people or hear about something on the news. God says to love everyone. Sometimes when you see that girl says something mean or that boy hit someone innocent, you think "God do you really mean them?". Yes, yes He does. Have you ever done anything wrong and felt guilty? Well then did you pray for forgiveness and felt free again? That is God showing His love to us. There are just some people, I have learned, that do not deserve any kindness, let alone love! God says to let Him love them through us.
Speaking of forgiveness.... Is there someone you need to forgive? Have you been holding a grudge? I am the Queen of Grudges and my sister will tell you;) But... When I do that, hold a grudge, the only person I am hurting is myself! The other person probably has no clue, ot they just don't care! You think "How is this person living happily when I am sitting over here fuming and hating them? Don't they realize what they did hurt me?" The answer is most likely, no. No they don't know you are mad or hurting over their actions. I know from personal experience. I was bitter at a person, a relative for that matter, for YEARS! And this person had, and still doesn't have, a clue! No idea that I was hurting over something, looking bad it was probably something stupid that little kids argue over. But I took my eyes off of what was important (Jesus) and started focusing on myself. Sure I talked to God still but it went more along the lines of: "Did you see what they said to me? Are you gonna punish them yet? Can I be there and watch when You do?". It took some tragedies and hard times before I finally realized something. You don't forgive the other person for the pther person's sake, you forgive to set yourself free from the trap of bitterness. I think that is why we have so many defeated and unhappy people in churches. Because they let something trivial come between them and another person. But I think what makes it worse, is the fact that they have no idea! You are sitting there, wondering how they can go to bed at night knowing what they did to you! It just sickens you right? Chances are, they probably didn't mean it the way it sounded to you. We've all been "that" person at least once, right? The one in a certain situation and you say something that totally doesn't even resemble what you meant? Trust me, I have.
It just so happened to take ALOT to get me to the point of forgiveness, BUT once I was there (and it's still a struggle sometimes) I felt.... Alive, free from a bond that had been wrapped around my heart for a long time. I finally ran home to God, because of that unforgiving spirit I had, I had moved away from God. I'll tell you my story another time, because while not a "on-my-deathbed-and-God-miraculously-saving-me" story, it is mine and I hope that someone can relate and I can save you a TON of heartache. I don't want to seem "preachy" but I don't want people, girls in particular, to have to go through the long and endless journey that I had. Until then, rememeber: If you look for affirmation and self-worth in other people, you will be extremely disappointed. Jesus is the only One who can fully fulfill the desires of your heart. People are just not that strong. Would you, as a human, want the responsibility for someone being happy ALL the time? Yeah, me either!
Hannah<3

"Long Way Home"

For me, music is a big part of my life. I'm always listening to music, thinking about music, or just contemplating lyrics. This song, by Steven Curtis Chapman, really got me thinking. It is a long, and lonely, road sometimes. But God didn't tell us that this life would be easy or even popular. In fact, it's hard and you could be hated for believing. Think about back then; they were burned alive, stoned, crucified, boiled, and beheaded. And yet what amazes me most is that they refused to denounce their faith. They stood firm even though their wives, and chidren were tortured. As a woman, I think I would look at my husband, and say "Um.... Excuse me?! You go ahead but I'd like to be alive." That would be my fleshly response. The response that I would LOVE to have to would to stand there with him. I would love to have faith that strong and be that close to Jesus that I could be that strong. I think most of us have that fleshly response, but deep down we want to stand firm. In other places in the world this happens still today, but what do we have to fear? I mean a little teasing or ridicule? At worst, maybe we might be pushed around. I don't know about you, but this terrifies me. I have *nothing* to worry about and I still don't talk about Jesus. I am so scared of what people think about me that I am petrified ot show them Jesus? My excuse? I'm too shy.... Well I am about sick to death of being the quiet one! I want to be the type of girl that when people see me, they see Jesus. I want to be outspoken about the only Man who has died for me. Yes, you read that correctly. Jesus DIED for me, and for you. He loves you and I that much. That He, as God in the flesh, would be beaten and bruised beyond recognition as a human being, hung on a tree, and speared in the side to save you from Hell. I don't know about you, but I've been hearing that all my life and I'm still in awe. Of God sending His Son to DIE for my wretched existence. I read something in my Bible last night, and it just kinda stuck with me. Deuteronomy 21:25b :"... Because anyone who is hung on a tree is under God's curse." Let's recap for a moment, Jesus is God's SON right? Jesus, hung on a tree? Well by God's Word that means He was under God's curse. God turned his back on His Son! Now I know, as a daughter, I want my Daddy's approval and affection. I think it would hurt me beyond words to have my earthly father turn his back on me. But God did that so you and I could live with Him forever!
Something else I heard at some point really made me think. We've talked about Jesus dying, but you know.... He's coming back to get us! I have two points about this. 1, you remember when they buried Him? They wrapped Him up in burial clothes and placed a cloth over His face? When the disciples went in they saw that He had folded the napkin. The point of my showing you this seemingly insignifanct detail? Back then, if you were at the dinner table and you crumpled your napkin meant that you were finished; BUT if you folded it, it meant that you were coming back! Jesus is coming back to His believers to heaven!! That makes me want to shout! The second point is that we, as His followers, are His Bride. We are to be committed to Him as a loving bride waiting for her Husband to come get us. I read something the other day and I don't remember exactly how it went but I'm going to try anyway.. "Jesus doesn't want to date you, He wants to 'marry' you." I take it to mean this: Jesus wants a more meaningful relationship with you than "casual dating", which is basically what teens do today. Teens jump from person to person without the 'relationship' meaning anything at all other than fun. Now I am making a generalized statement and I don't mean the entire teenage population is like this. Myself, I've never had a boyfriend, but I have observed those around me. God wants to be your 'husband'. He is that committed to you and He wants the same from you and I.
I have had to come to terms recently that right now, I have to become committed to God only before I find a man. If I am to marry one day, I have to comfortable in my own skin and with God. I am working on it but I am slowly realizing that God is all I need. If I cannot be happy with just God, how in the world am I ever going to be happy with a human man, who will fail and disappoint me somethimes. I know good and well that I am going to fail and disappoint him. If we are looking for approval from human flesh, we will never be fullfilled. The only way to be truly fullfilled is by God. He created us, and when He did, He created this God sized hole in our hearts that can only be filled by... You guessed it! God. Anything else we throw in there: clothes, money, popularity, boyfriends/girlfriends, sports, religion... It is like a black hole. God is so big that those meaningless things gets sucked in and it becomes a never-ending search for "the one thing" that will fill it. Let me tell you, if you are looking in this earth for something other than God to fill that hole, you are looking in the wrong places.
Sorry for ranting, I just have alot to say! I love each of you. And so does my Jesus. I hope He is yours too.

The End of the Beginning

Seeing as how I've never really done one of these before, I am completely unsure of how to go about this. I only know one thing in life, Jesus is my everything. I've recently started this book (called Uncompromising) and it has alittle bit of everything in it. The best part to me is that the girl who wrote it, Hannah Farver, is in college! How amazing to me that God uses someone around my age to influence so many people! Anyway, back to the book. I recently read a portion of the book, and it goes like this:

        "Jesus said this about love, and the Cross proved it: 'Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends (John 15:13). Love is sacrifice. Love is constancy. Jesus gives us both sacrifice and constancy. As love asks for only love in return, He calls us to follow Him. This is not 'following' a la Twitter or Facebook. It's not the click of a button. Following Him is agreeing with God that He should overhaul our lives. And then He proceeds with the overhaul, ripping out the rotting parts and grafting in new ones in one constant operation that will endure for the rest of our lives. The discipleship He demands isn't cheap or easy but He deserves it."

Those words came from a girl my age?! That kind of amazes me. But it's true. Following Jesus is a lifelong commitment, but at the same time I believe that it is an everyday choice. I'm going to be honest, most days I fail and don't pursue Jesus at all. Other days are more successful than others. But I believe that is what being a Christian is all about. Not necessarily failing allll the time, but failing sometimes so Jesus can pick you up and make you an example to other people. This also applies to trials in our lives. I have learned that God has a purpose for everything. Sometimes He chooses to reveal the reason right then, sometimes He waits awhile, or even sometimes He nevers reveals it at all. I've had two out of the three instances happen to me. It is hard to understand sometimes but these verses have helped me.
Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Micah 6:8 "He has showed you, o man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God."

Well... This was not exactly the way I wanted the first post to go, but the next one will be the beginning of my journey to Christ which is still an ongoing proccess.
Hananh